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Emotional needs are the very core of our relationships: they are the foundation and the factor that determines evolution, reparation, repetition, and separation.
It takes two to dance this tango, that is sure.

It’s important to clearly define what we are conceiving the relationship to be and what the purpose is, before engaging in a deeper exchange.
If it’s about enjoying a good time, it will likely encounter the wall of the old pain arising at one point, in front of which we can have opposite attitudes.

Either we walk through it with a firm SHARED intention of seeing clearly what is really happening inside and in the space in between, using the discomfort to restore connection and wholeness; or we can start the power struggle, the right, and wrong language, disconnecting and giving up or trying to win to have our needs met.

To get clear on the mechanisms that prevent connection, as well as the ways to nourish it despite our wounded behaviors. This is knowledge, and I would say an art even, that is necessary to reach the depth of the potential of relationships.

We cannot count on spontaneity in relationships, because what we call spontaneity is indeed an unconscious conditioned reaction to old pain in most of the cases.

The unconscious purpose of relationships is to recover wholeness by restoring the connection, both personal and transpersonal, which was ruptured in our childhood by need frustration.

At a deeper level it is a transient experience of original wholeness and connection to the Whole. Since unmet childhood needs arise into adult intimate partnerships for resolution, inevitably, they are re-activated and frustrations are re-experienced.

Beyond discouragement and denial of human needs, and try to take power over another to get our needs answered, It does exist have another way: cooperate with the intention of our unconscious ( restoring wholeness) by creating a “conscious relationship” in which we intentionally meet each other’s unmet childhood needs.

Consciously or unconsciously we all are aiming for that restoration and healing: the experience of connection was interrupted at a certain point and time, by a core need that was frustrated and that need has to be answered in order to come back to completion.
We attract partners and we fall in love with the unconscious purpose of having that unmet need met. But then we apply unconsciously the way we learned in order to get there: to accommodate, to take care, to withdraw, to close down, to judge, to blame, to wait for change, to manipulate to convince ourselves that we can make it without.

Since the partners, we fall in love with having a complementary defense mechanism, often they are the ones that struggle the most to meet our needs, exactly because of their adaptations to the pain they have experienced.

But, if the two partners stick with an intention of self-awareness and self inquiring, and sincerity towards themselves and each other, and hold the intention to break free from the lead of their wounded part throughout the relationship and restore the wholeness they gave up long time ago, then the struggle can be exactly the doorway to freedom and love.

How do I choose the right partner?

What are my core needs in relationships?

As a result of my life story, what do I need most in my relationships today in order to restore wholeness and to heal?

Ilaria Rubei is a lightworker based in Paris, she serves as a conscious community leader and relationship coach.

She facilitates healing group workshops and is a certified Reiki healer.

Ilaria organizes Women Circles during the new and full Moon, and workshops on Sacred Relationships.


Do you feel you want to join this event? Then get your ticket below!

Early bird: €20,- (till the 5th of November)

Normal ticket: €25,- (from 6th of November)

Budget ticket: €17,50,- (very limited availability)



Location: Mirror Centre

Adress: Ter Gouwstraat 3, Amsterdam

Date workshop: Monday the 11th of November

Arrival: 18:30

Start workshop: 19:00

End workshop: 22:00

Close: 22:30

There will be free thee and water. And the possibility to eat food together before the workshops starts (more info on this will follow soon).

This workshop is meant for people of all ages!